We've all been there. Hands on head, watching the other team peel away in celebration because you decided it'd be far more productive to kick a giant tuft of soil from the ground rather than actually clear the ball. Most of us take the humiliation in a similar vein. We point to the floor with a desperate looking gesture to explain how the ground is responsible for the whole horrid affair, only to see the detesting glare of your teammates and opting to quietly trudge back to the centre circle and accept your fate. But bad losers can never be responsible for their own mistakes. Take Arsene Wenger for example. He'd blame the bank if he lost his wallet. He is the oracle of bad losers, the pinnacle for others to aspire to. But who else joins him in the elite list of cry babies?
1. Luciano Gaucci
Where better to start than with the irrational reasoning of Luciano Gaucci, who promptly decided following Italy's shock defeat to South Korea during the 2002 World cup, that the match winner Ahn Jung-Hwan (who played for Gaucci's own club AC Perugia) no longer deserved a contract and was actually not welcome to return to the town full stop. "I have no intention of paying a salary to someone who has ruined Italian football." Classy stuff Luciano, classy stuff.
2. Kevin Keegan
After falling at the final hurdle and serving up the Premier league title to Manchester United on a plate during the 95-96 season, Keegan infamously decided to point wildly at the Sky television camera and declare how much "he'd love it if we'd beat them, love it!" to the joy of every single spectator everywhere. Supposed to act as a rallying cry for his team (who could still catch United on the final day if things went their way), the speech rather backfired when Keegan bellowed '(well)they still have to go get something from Middlesborough...'
3. Bill Shankly
Luckily for Shankly he didn't have to take defeat too often, and to be honest, lucky for everyone else too. The Liverpool legend was notoriously competitive in 5 a side training matches. His team mate Chris Lawler was equally famous for never speaking a word. One afternoon Bob Paisley declared one of Shankly's goals offside only to be berated endlessly. Training was halted whilst Shankly argued his case leading to Paisley asking Lawler "Chris - you were the last man, was Bill offside?", To which Lawler replied "Yes Bob, he was." Shankly exploded with fury. "All these years he keeps his mouth shut, and when he does speak, it's to tell a lie"
4. Disgruntled Grimsby fan
Life can be tough as a Grimsby Town fan. And after an especially dire performance against Bath City in the first round of the FA cup one fan could take defeat no more. In a verbal rampage aimed at the club the anonymous supporter became a cult Internet hero when his letter leaked onto the web. Part of it read "I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season." Still chin up. Big game against Morecambe next week.
5. El-Hadji Diouf
Earlier this year El-Hadji Diouf blamed his poor form on Blackburn being "too cold." What exactly Mr Diouf was expecting from Lancashire winters remains to be seen but surely the poor form is simply down to the fact that he's really not very good? Suppose it must get cold when you stand around doing nothing all game. Perhaps try a little thing called running!
6. Tianjin
The obvious thing to do after being sent off for a blatant two footed stamp would be to get off the pitch and start the bath running but the players at Chinese club Tianjin decided to do things a little differently. They chose to chase around the referee to the point where security personnel were forced to step in. Unsurprisingly the team was thrown out of all competitions but on the plus side, Tianjin's number 8 did manage to catch up with the ref and shove him to the floor. Job done.
7. Didier Drogba
Admittedly, Chelsea were royally screwed over last year when Michel Platini decided that a Barcelona v Man Utd champions league final would be far more exciting than a United Chelsea rematch. But despite having at least fifteen penalty appeals turned down Didier Drogba probably shouldn't have gone head to head with Norwegian referee Tom Henning before telling a live television camera that everything was "a ******* disgrace." Wonder what Tom Henning's doing with himself these days? Probably not a long shot to assume it doesn't involve refereeing Champions league semi finals.
8. Steve Bruce
The 98-99 FA cup fifth round saw Division one Sheffield United up against the might of Arsenal at Highbury, a draw United boss Steve Bruce was sure to appreciate. What he didn't appreciate was seeing one of his players kick the ball out for a teammate needing treatment, only to see Arsenal throw it back in to Nwankwo Kanu to run down the line and put in a peach of a ball for the Gunner's winner. Bruce ordered his players off the pitch and although the game eventually did finish, United were later granted a replay by none other than Arsene Wenger...Which they lost. By exactly the same score... Point well proven Steve.
9. Manchester United
Where to begin? Do you focus on Sir Alex Ferguson, who is known to kick boots in star players' faces after crushing defeats? Do you go back to Eric Cantona kicking a Crystal Palace supporter in the face when things weren't going his way? (noticing a theme here) Do you even go back as far as Peter Schmeichel screaming at his back four just seconds after conceding a penalty as if to say 'where the **** were you guys?! Ultimately, the blame must be spread across the whole club, who let's not forget blamed a grey kit for getting stuffed at Southampton!
10. Arsene Wenger
But take a bow Mr Wenger, you are the real winner here. From missing the most obvious of incidents right under your nose to spotting the most discreet detail that even the most advanced camera technology fails to spot, Arsene has a genuine talent for losing badly. He's blamed the long ball game, aggressive tactics, the sporting calendar, the English diet. You name it, he's blamed it. And let's not forget he's been toe to toe with Alan Pardew, Martin Jol and Mark Hughes in an illustrious sparring career. Simply the best.
Craig Woods is the editor of satirical football news blog www.theda.co.uk