If Christmas is just around the corner, then that means the January transfer window will soon be sliding open in earnest. And who should be looking to buzz straight out of it at the first opportunity, like so many trapped and confused wasps repeatedly head butting so many panels of glass, but the following ten unhappy bunnies. Yes, it’s Sport.co.uk’s Top Ten: I’m Not Playing, Get Me Out of Here!
(At this juncture, we ought to point out that not a single bug was eaten during the making of this top ten. Although one woodlouse sprained an ankle, and a spider threw up after eating a fly that had been crawling over something dodgy…)
1. Nani – Manchester United’s Portuguese midfielder has so far disappointed headline-writers everywhere by failing to align his ripe-for-playing-on name with much in the way of tangible individual impact. How often do you see ‘Super Nani’, for instance? Or ‘Chronicles of Nani-a’? Ok, I have no idea what kind of story that second one could apply to, but you get the idea. In any case, the nationwide stockpiling of puns may well have been in vain if his recent comments about Sir Alex Ferguson – “he’s a difficult man” who “shattered my confidence”, or some such – precipitate the same course of events that bundled the likes of Jaap Stam and David Beckham out of the club, possibly via some sort of elaborate Wallace & Gromit-style contraption.
2. Emile Heskey – England’s defensive centre-forward (whatever he is, he sure ain’t no striker) only joined Aston Villa last January but, so dismal has his input been since, he looks very likely to clock his stay off at one year exactly, give or take. Where does he go from here? Well, the World Cup, for starters. You know how all the top managers rate him, and all that. How he’s great foil for someone like Rooney or Owen, and all that. How not everyone always notices the work he’s putting in, and all that. So…back to Wigan, then? Or will Manchester City weigh in with a £50m bid? Let’s start that rumour here.
3. Tuncay Sanli – Apparently, Stoke City have “played down” the Turk’s hissy fit during the Potters’ recent 2-1 defeat at Phil Brown’s Hull City. A £5m summer signing from Middlesbrough, Tuncay has yet to start a game for Stoke and was taken off after just a seven minute appearance as a substitute at the KC Stadium, when the sending off of Abdoulaye Faye forced manager Tony Pulis into a reshuffle. It seems strange that someone who has been playing in the Premier League since 2007 should need such a bedding in period, but that appears to be what Stoke are pleading. Something smells fishy to me. And it’s not just Hull.
4. Roman Pavlyuchenko – Asked recently if he was definitely looking to leave in January, Tottenham Hotspur’s Russian centre-forward reportedly said: “Yes, because it’s impossible for me to stay in the present situation. I’ve been sitting on the bench for half a year now and because of that I’ve lost my place in the national team.” There you are, then. Anyone got £10m+ to spend on a moderately effective target man who scores the odd smart goal from the corner of the six-yard box?
5. Guti – Out of favour at Real Madrid, the 33 year-old legend of the Bernabeu reportedly made a recent telephone call to Wesley Sneijder about the possibility of joining him at Jose Mourinho’s Inter in January. Guti doesn’t immediately strike as a Mourinho-type signing but, there you go, welcome back to the whacky world of transfer rumours.
6. Klaas-Jan Huntelaar – Onto a player who left Real Madrid during the summer. The Dutch striker has not had much playing time during his thus-far disappointing spell at AC Milan, but his club and international team-mate Clarence Seedorf has called for patience. "Our coach Leonardo is aware of his qualities. He expects to see a lot of Huntelaar." Now, how does that quote read to you? One way or another (oo er), Huntelaar can expect to see some action pretty soon. Thoshe crayzshy Netherlandsh people!
7. Andrea Dossena – Liverpool’s out-of-favour Italian left-back looks set to join Napoli in January, having failed to adequately replace John Aarne Riise at Anfield on account of being too rubbish. Frederico Pastorello, the player’s agent, told Radio Kiss Kiss (??):"The negotiations in August were real, but the problem was not only the salary. Liverpool, in fact, didn't give us the green light to deal with Napoli. The two clubs were not finally agreed. What about January? He has played less this year and it is clear that Liverpool have to move him. If Napoli want Dossena, they know how." Brilliant. Fare thee well, bold adventurer.
8. Kyle Naughton – Good going young man. You joined Tottenham…didn’t you? When you could have joined Everton or countless other rumoured parties and played every game this season. Instead of the however many you’ve played at Spurs…whatsit…one substitute appearance all season. Aye, that’s the one. Good luck beating Vedran Corluka and Alan Hutton to the right-back spot any time soon.
9. Daniel Sturridge – Right. I’m a talented, young, English striker who needs a run of Premier League to develop my game and fulfil my potential. I’m clearly not going to get that at Manchester City, as they’ve just signed Adebayor, Tevez and Santa Cruz. I know what I’ll do; I’ll join Chelsea and try to force my way in ahead of Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka. And that Salomon Kalou shouldn’t be too difficult. Ok, I’m not getting much game time. Still, look on the bright side: I’ve got Drogba and Anelka to learn from. And Kalou for encouragement. It’ll come. Ok…still not getting games. Even Kalou’s getting games. Hello? Can anyone hear me?
10. Nicky Hunt – Right-back Hunt still has the number 2 shirt at Bolton Wanderers but he has effectively been “frozen out”, not having played a first-team match since goodness knows when and having sat and watched as Gretar Steinsson and Sam Ricketts have taken his place. What did he do to Gary Megson, you’ve got to wonder? Toilet paper his house? Run over his dog? Put loads of salt in his Lucozade as a cheeky prank? One day, the truth will come out. And very few people will care.
Honourable Mention: Andy Reid – For reasons best known to himself, Republic of Ireland coach Giovanni Trapatonni continues to ignore the influential, not-that-fat-anymore Sunderland midfielder. “You have to be solid,” said Trapattoni. “Andy [Reid] has very good qualities but not necessarily what we need.” What’s Italian for ‘nose’, ‘spite’ and ‘face’?