Here at Sport.co.uk, we like to honour those who put their reputation on the line every single day by boldly laying bare their opinions as if we’d even asked them to, or if some kind of amnesty had demanded they turn them all in to be either confiscated or burnt to a cinder. This is the first of a weekly blog, so we’ve got some catching up to do. You’ll just have to forgive us for casting our net back over the last few weeks which, from now on, will technically be cheating. So, what inaugural goodies do we have in store for you?
As ever, there are some Big Opinions being bandied about at The Sun, as former Tottenham Hotspur, Barcelona and England manager Terry Venables continues his mesmeric shift into the world of literature with tomes such as Even I’m Voting Torry, in which he espouses the virtues of Liverpool and Spain striker Fernando Torres:
“He is like an animal waiting to hunt its prey.”
Clearly, keeping his wick dipped has paid dividends for Venables’ use of imagery. For instance, compare it with the following:
"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in."
Keep up the good work, Terry, and well done to The Sun for taking the time out to nurture a blossoming talent. Further evidence of Venables’ newfound mastery of the literary arts can be seen in an article from September 26th entitled Beware Clout of Africa, Carlo!:
“Not only did the most thrilling of seven-goal games underline the fact that United will still provide formidable opposition to Chelsea's quest to win the title in their debut season under Ancelotti…”
This graceful, serpentine writing style is refreshing to see from an ex-footballer. Venables has certainly come along way since:
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen"
Likewise…:
“Maintaining his team's lofty position in the face of such adversity will be a real test for Ancelotti.”
…shows considerable improvement on:
“The mere fact that he's injured stops him getting injured again, if you know what I mean.”
An article from October 10th entitled Capello Needs a Mr Right betrays Venables’ innate knack for the dynamics of dramatic tension:
“…the Italian must select a group of players that can do us proud in the Southern Hemisphere.
"A squad that can live up to the expectation he is responsible for creating.
"A squad that can show the rest of the world England are still a major force in world football.
"A squad that can repeat the heroics of 1966 by lifting the World Cup.”
You can almost hear the strains of Rule Britannia kicking in at as that passage goes on, can’t you? He goes on to describe David Beckham’s “international gravitas”, before lapsing almost into showboating territory with the following wry yet observant tying together of imagery:
“Capello's glowing qualification record will mean nothing if we return home from the land of the Springbok with our tails between our legs.”
Frankly, all of this flies in the face of:
"It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target."
Later in the piece, Venable reminisces about the tough decision he had to make concerning whether to include Nick Barmby or Dennis Wise in his Euro 96 squad:
“It was a tough call because whenever I saw Dennis play he would lift me from my seat.”
Which is probably why he opted for Barmby.
Meanwhile, fellow The Sun diarist Ian Wright shrugs off his faltering TV persona in an October 20th piece called, referring to Liverpool’s title chances, It Could Be Over By Sunday (which by the way would make a great name for a hit single):
“Losing to the French club will leave them floundering in Europe and facing an undignified and unexpected exit in the group stage.”
Just why is it that Wright’s elegant command of the English language deserts him so whenever he’s behind a camera? Although, the man who once said “I don’t make predictions – I never have and I never will” goes on to reveal a chink in his pundit’s armour:
“But then you have Lucas and Fabio Aurelio - to be honest I don't really know who these players are.”
Wright reveals the inspiration behind his comedy at the start of an October 6th piece entitled Sven Boobed By Taking the WAGS:
“Sven Goran Eriksson really makes me laugh.”
But, such is Wright’s journalistic partisanship, not even his heroes are exempt from his ire:
“The WAGs were a ridiculous distraction to our players in Baden-Baden. I would not expect Sven to see the problem. As I have said before, he is a simply ridiculous person.”
A “ridiculous person” – you mean like a jester, Ian? Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp – the remaining member of Sun Sport’s Three Musketeers – has an astonishing revelation about his player David Bentley:
“There's no doubt Bentley has balls - plenty of 'em.”
In his October 30th piece David Bentley Has the Balls to Face Arsenal, the Spurs manager also says of his second-choice right-midfielder:
“Sure he's a good-looking young man and has talent in shedloads but he is not the flash Herbert some try to make him out to be.”
A quick Google search on “flash Herbert” reveals the phrase to be attributable only to Mr. Redknapp, and only to this particular article. Yet another groundbreaking exclusive for Rupert Murdoch’s toilet paper, then.
Redknapp goes on to reveal his Trick or Treat nightmare at the hands of Arsenal’s youth team…:
“Well, after watching Arsenal beat Liverpool in the Carling Cup, I can tell you their kids are scary.”
…before offering this sagely advice on squad-building:
“You have to recruit players with potential before you can coach them.”
That’s the kind of insight that only the guys at the very top can afford you, folks.
And, just when you think that the benevolent Sun has indulged you quite enough, you stumble across Karen Brady’s Football Diary. Result! Although we’re not sure exactly what the former Birmingham City director means when she says:
“Chucho and James McFadden hint at a glittering future. They could become the Ant and Dec of the Premier League.”
Whereas, perhaps, Barry Ferguson and Lee Bowyer could become the Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan of the Premier League? The formerly glamorous Brady, who nowadays resembles a snake that swallowed Vanessa Feltz, goes on to spoof the current notion of ‘players spitting increases the risk of swine flu’ with:
“The possibility of AIDs transference from blood once caused FIFA to warn all players they had to wear shin pads. Orders to wear steel underpants would have been more to the point.”
Er…perhaps this one is best left to David “Drop ‘Em” Sullivan.
Over at the BBC, Alan Hansen is stifling what could break out into a ROFL if left unsupervised:
“Lots has [sic] been made of the departure of Xabi Alonso. I believe this has been a factor, but when I hear people suggest he was Liverpool's best player last season I almost laugh out loud.”
LOLZ !!!!!1!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!!!!1
Whereas former Everton and Manchester City winger Peter Beagrie is dazzling readers with his Jackanory-esque scene-setting on Sky Sports’ website:
“And so we reach the latest episode in the soap opera that is Newcastle United. The story so far: A rich businessman takes over a football club, supposedly with all the best intentions in the world, but ends up making massive personal losses and being vilified (quite rightly) by the Geordie masses for some of his decisions.”
Hard to believe this was written by the same person who once said:
“The amount that Chelsea have missed Petr Cech can't be overplayed - although Jose Mourinho has overplayed it.”
And:
“Man City have got a lot of rival fractions in the dressing room.”
And:
“It’s 1-1 to Fulham!”
It is strange how footballers’ minds tend to turn to putty as soon as a camera is flashed in their face. Former Arsenal talisman Paul Merson, also on Sky, is a rare example of the reverse at play, his assured, commanding onscreen persona dissipating as it does when he’s asked to lay down his musings in the written word:
“Sometimes it pays to try and win every week…”
See also:
“The first goal is key, but I think City are more likely to get it.”
Stating the importance of getting the first goal generally translates as: ‘I really don’t know what to say about this game.’ Avoid it at all costs.
Meanwhile, Sport.co.uk favourite Guillem Balague is up to his old tricks on his Sky Sports blog:
“If they [Real Madrid] lose here and the Bernabeu decides that Manuel Pellegrini has to go then he may go. Let's see what happens next.”
“May go” – really? Pellegrini is a bold man indeed if he is prepared to stick around even after the stadium in which his teams plays has decided he should leave. After all, the stadium must have several tons on him. It doesn’t sound like a battle he’s likely to win. But, then, Balague is synonymous with bold predictions which most likely stem from his own wild imagination:
“Florentino Perez would like the general manager Jorge Valdano to take over but he doesn't want to do that. Michael Laudrup has been told to wait and not to take another job because he could go to Real Madrid this season. I also heard there is the possibility of Luiz Felipe Scolari coming in. It's going to be an interesting evening.”
He gets paid for this stuff. No really, he does. But at least it’s balanced by wisdom such as:
“Malaga are certainly the worst team in La Liga, along with Xerez. I think both of those teams are going to go down and I can't see Malaga surviving this time.”
So that’s Malaga to a) Go down, and b) Not survive. Wonder what odds you’d get on a wager like that.
Does anyone read Mark Bright’s column in the Metro? No? Well, why not?
“I don't think they [Liverpool] will finish inside the top four. Last season represented their best chance of winning the title since 1990 - it was there for the taking and they choked.”
You see, it takes guts to label winning 10 and drawing one of your last 11 games as ‘choking’, but you can count on Mark Bright to come forward and tell it like it is. That’s Mark Bright, everybody. Mark “Sunderland are breathing down the shorts of Wigan” Bright.
Yes, you’ve got it – Mark “If Everton finish in a Champions League place, they'll play in the Champions League” Bright. Bright by name…and that’s that.
Finally, we give you tonight’s essential viewing. It’s not football-related, and therefore not even loosely relevant to this feature, but Sky One’s interview with Eastender-cum-tough-man-investigative-journalist Ross Kemp, which aired last night at 9pm, was simply unmissable. The following advertised extract really wet your appetite:
Interviewer: “You’ve been shot at…you’ve been gassed…you’ve been set on fire. Have you ever been scared in any of those situations?”
Ross Kemp: “Yes.”
See you next week for more Pundits Say the Funniest Things!